Deshpande kaka dropped in a few days ago at our home. Deshpande kaka and kaku are a retired couple in their early to mid-sixties. They have two grown up children who are married with two children each, now settled abroad.
The Deshpandes are an active, friendly couple who like to participate in community activities and are good friends with most retired folks at their place of residence. Deshpande kaka is a person with an average build, quite fit-looking with a full head of black and grey hair. Kaku is a very typical Maharashtrian woman, soft spoken and pleasant. They had just returned from a trip abroad after spending more than 6 months there. The conversation inevitably veered around to their experiences in the foreign country. No big prizes for guessing what they were doing in there for 6 months - most people would have guessed correctly that they were playing free baby-sitters disguised as grand-parents.
My wife and I lived in the US from 1993 to 2000. During our stay and afterwards, we became acutely aware of this phenomenon of young Indian couples living abroad using their parents as cheap baby-sitters for their pre-school children. The stated reasons are many - from a crass "baby sitters are too expensive" to a very mature sounding "it is great for the children as well as the grand-parents", they all have some truth in it. However, the root cause in most cases remains the same - an inability and unwillingness to embrace the lifestyle in their country of residence, and a complete and utter disregard for the freedom and convenience of retired parents. I have another term for this behaviour - utter selfishness.
A typical Westerner would look for a good playschool, creche, or babysitter to deal with their own inability to be with the preschooler 24 hours a day. However Indian couples abroad are usually not confortable with these options. They'd rather have their parents play baby sitters because that is more "consistent" with our culture. How convenient!
Obviously, the Deshpandes are not complaining - they are quite proud of what they are doing and never criticize their children. This is typical of all baby-sitting couples in their position. I have met at least 50+ such couples, and have heard about others - seldom have I heard them complain. However you can pick up on little things they say which tell you that they are quite miserable doing this, whatever they may say.
So here is a message to young Indian couples living abroad - grow up, loosen your wallets and show some respect to your old parents who dedicated their lives to bringing you up. At the very least, before you make a decision to have children, ask your parents if they would be willing to spend miserable months abroad to raise them for you, while you live the good life, and build that fat bank balance.
The Deshpandes are an active, friendly couple who like to participate in community activities and are good friends with most retired folks at their place of residence. Deshpande kaka is a person with an average build, quite fit-looking with a full head of black and grey hair. Kaku is a very typical Maharashtrian woman, soft spoken and pleasant. They had just returned from a trip abroad after spending more than 6 months there. The conversation inevitably veered around to their experiences in the foreign country. No big prizes for guessing what they were doing in there for 6 months - most people would have guessed correctly that they were playing free baby-sitters disguised as grand-parents.
My wife and I lived in the US from 1993 to 2000. During our stay and afterwards, we became acutely aware of this phenomenon of young Indian couples living abroad using their parents as cheap baby-sitters for their pre-school children. The stated reasons are many - from a crass "baby sitters are too expensive" to a very mature sounding "it is great for the children as well as the grand-parents", they all have some truth in it. However, the root cause in most cases remains the same - an inability and unwillingness to embrace the lifestyle in their country of residence, and a complete and utter disregard for the freedom and convenience of retired parents. I have another term for this behaviour - utter selfishness.
A typical Westerner would look for a good playschool, creche, or babysitter to deal with their own inability to be with the preschooler 24 hours a day. However Indian couples abroad are usually not confortable with these options. They'd rather have their parents play baby sitters because that is more "consistent" with our culture. How convenient!
Obviously, the Deshpandes are not complaining - they are quite proud of what they are doing and never criticize their children. This is typical of all baby-sitting couples in their position. I have met at least 50+ such couples, and have heard about others - seldom have I heard them complain. However you can pick up on little things they say which tell you that they are quite miserable doing this, whatever they may say.
So here is a message to young Indian couples living abroad - grow up, loosen your wallets and show some respect to your old parents who dedicated their lives to bringing you up. At the very least, before you make a decision to have children, ask your parents if they would be willing to spend miserable months abroad to raise them for you, while you live the good life, and build that fat bank balance.
5 comments:
My mom says that nothing worthwhile in life comes without some pain, that there is usually a price to pay. For the blessing of children, women go through the pain of labour. Tasty food is usually not healthy food. Travel to exotic places comes with a fat bill and weird food.
Like all other things in life, grandparent-hood is a mixed blessing. There is the delight of hearing a grandchild speak, of watching them grow - things you probably didn't have the time for when your own children were young. So what if you give something for it? Nothing in life comes just like that, this is not a special example.
What makes this situation different is the peculiar social conditioning associated with children and child-rearing in India. Children - the continuation of the vansh - are considered somehow above everything else. Also, family life is considered to be the most important element of happiness. So naturally, grandparents are happy that they are valued, useful, and still have a say in the family. The internal and external conditioning on a grandparent is such that they are willing sacrificers of their free time.
As for the young people who call upon their parents to help - I have first hand experience of what that feels like. My parents helped raise my daughter, because I was working and creating that 'fat bank balance'. I am not ashamed of asking my mother for help, although we had the means to employ a nanny. This was the right decision for my daughter. I have experimented with day car as well. But irrespective of how good the day care system is, it is no substitute for family. And I will do for my daughter, what my mother did for me.
Deepa, very fair comment. However my piece is directed specifically at folks who uproot their parents from familiar surroundings into a world abroad that has very little meaning for them, other than the grandchildren. I have seen some of these grandparents do multiple tours of duty abroad just for this purpose. They have no mobility, no social circle (at least initially) and suffer through boredom. I find it highly unfortunate.
The context you are talking is very different. Your mom is in familiar surroundings, has a life outside of helping you out, and the company of grandchildren complements an otherwise meaningful life. Obviously we expect support from and willingly provide support to family and friends, but the example I am talking about is an extreme one, and in my mind, unnecessary.
Agreed, Nitin. In my case, I got an apartment close to my parents, and my daughter went *there* as opposed to the other way around.
To bring a bit of gender politics into this: if you're the mother of a working daughter, you definitely have a BIG desire to help. Mainly because you know that it is very hard for women anywhere to keep their careers going after children, and if you don't help your daughter, then all that effort your daughter put into her MBA or whatever will just get washed away in nappies and detergent.
I can't help wondering whether things are the same for parents of sons. Indian men are not expected to give up careers to take care of children. Men are not loaded with the almost pre-ordained burden of cooking and childcare, these are meant to be the wife's responsibility. So consciously or otherwise, I wonder if there is resentment against the working daughter-in-law. I know the Joshis are out there supporting their sons. I also personally know several other families where it is the boy's parents in the US, doing the nappy-routine. But I can't help wondering about what the interpersonal dynamics of these households is like.
Although this is a very old post from you, Nitin , but I thought I had something to say....APT - absolutely on the spot comment. Especially for new Parents living abroad....Of late I have seen a shift in the trend though.Seems like grandparent no longer are intereseted in coming abroad and spending their time with grand children in an unfamiliar enviornment - which is completely understood - why. So guess what the NEW PARENTS are doing....they are instead sending the Kid to stay with the grandparents back to India. Can you believe it ???? If something didn't work for them the ideal way these parents have turned the tide and asked the new borns - who cannot express themselves in affirmation or otherwise to go and stay with their grandparents until "he/she doesn't understand anything"...in the interest of building a bonding with your roots. I feel this is as shameful if not more than asking your parents to be "FREE - BABY SITTERs " by calling them abroad every six months !
Pethe, I am not aware of this new phenomenon and do not know the details of the circumstances. Therefore I don't have anything meaningful to say about on this subject. However as a general principle, I believe that we need to take responsibility and ownership for the consequences of our choices. The trouble I have is with many Indian couples taking the easy way out and completely disrupting the lives of their parents.
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